When was the last time you passionately pursued your spouse?
Maybe you’re wondering what that looks like?
A bit of raw honesty here: I looked at my husband the other day and said, “I’m supposed to be passionately pursuing you, but I just don’t have time!”
AGGHH!! SMH. Can you relate?
Something needs to change.
But this is my busiest season with the highest stress. How can I hope for change when there are so many responsibilities pulling me in different directions?
We ALL have those stretches in life, and we always will.
Is that an excuse to neglect our spouse? No. (If neglect has been an issue in your marriage, click HERE.)
Luckily, my husband is very forgiving and understanding; he knew what I meant when I said I’m busy. And he doesn’t expect grand gestures or surprise dates right now.
But still, I love my husband, and God wants me to show him that, no matter how busy I am. But how?
In last week’s post, we talked about how part of sexual purity is pursuing your spouse. “Put off” sexual temptation of all kinds, “put on” the new self; run in passionate pursuit toward your spouse. Still...
What does it look like to passionately pursue my spouse (even when I’m busy)?
What does it look like, practically, to “put on” the new self?
Read on to discover the answers.
But first…
An Honest Assessment
Read the following questions and ask the Lord to help you answer them honestly. If it helps, write down your answers.
How’s your relationship with the Lord? Do you talk to Him only when you have a need? Has it become similar to your relationship with your spouse- where time with Him is not a priority? How you answer this question will reflect in how you answer all the questions that follow.
Our relationship with the Lord directly influences our marriage. If we are not passionately pursuing time with Him, we won’t passionately pursue our spouse.
Do you and your spouse show public affection toward each other? Why/why not? Who initiates it most of the time?
What consumes most of your thought life? Family schedule? To-do list? Work responsibilities? Political/cultural issues? Issues with your children? What are you allowing yourself to watch, read, listen to? Whatever we consume with our minds directly impacts our thought life, and thus shapes our lives (Matthew 6:22-23).
What distracts you from your marriage? Are work responsibilities demanding more time and attention? Maybe sexual temptation has turned your eyes and heart away from your spouse. Is there a hobby you run to for an escape, leaving your spouse to fend for themselves? (Some of these distractions may likely be idols. Read HERE to discover how to identify and overcome idols of the heart.)
How are you doing with fulfilling your God-given marital role? Husbands, are you spiritually leading your wife and family? Wives, are you loving and respecting your husband? (Need more clarity on the roles God designed for Biblical marriage? Read Roles: He Won’t Lead, She Won’t Follow. What Should I Do? and How Fulfilling Your Role Can Change Your Marriage.)
How is the sexual health of your marriage? The answers to all of the questions above directly impact the sexual health of your marriage. But remember, the sexual health of a marriage should not DETERMINE how well a marriage is doing. It’s the thermometer, NOT the thermostat. In other words, we shouldn’t have thoughts like, I wouldn’t watch porn if she would just have sex with me more often, or If he would pay more attention to me, maybe I’d feel like having sex with him. Those are score-keeping thoughts, which are toxic to your marriage.
Sexual intimacy is a natural outflow of how passionately you are pursuing God’s design for your marriage, your God-given role and responsibilities, and the spouse God has created for you to love.
So… what now?
Depending on how you answered the questions above, you’re probably feeling 1 of 3 ways:
Really discouraged- Wow, I’m not doing so well at this pursuit thing, and I’m not sure I’m capable. OR, I’m really trying, but my spouse isn’t making much effort.
Encouraged- My spouse and I are doing pretty well, praise the Lord!
Somewhere in between- We have some issues, but we’re aware of what those issues are and are willing to seek the Lord and work on them together.
No matter your status- discouraged, encouraged, or somewhere in between- the Lord has something for you: HOPE.
(Even if you’re feeling encouraged right now, there will come a season when struggle arises, so this is the perfect time to get prepared.)
What is the hope we have in Him? HOPE FOR CHANGE.
Put On the New Self
I want you to take a moment and read Colossians 3:1-17.
It is jam-packed with life-giving truth you cannot miss if you hope to change, both for yourself and for your marriage.
Go ahead… read it.
Please note a few key truths:
You have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God (v. 3). The old is gone; you have been crucified with Christ and are redeemed by His blood (Galatians 2:20, Ephesians 1:7).
So, Put to death what is earthly within you (v. 5). Things that are earthly are listed in verses 5-9.
Put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its Creator (v. 10). You are a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17) and you are being changed as you learn about Him and seek to live as He’s called you to live.
To live as He’s called us, we must put on, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and… forgiving each other. Above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect unity (vv. 12-14).
Do you want perfect unity with your spouse? Do you want a warm, passionate, loving marriage? Then put on these things: compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forgiveness, and love.
In ALL seasons of life- busy or not- remember, you are alive in Christ. LIVE like it. Put on the new.
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him (v. 17).
Don’t fake it; LIVE it! And you will knock your spouse’s socks off.
Vow to Change: A Short and Sweet Encouraging Call to Action
This whole post has been your call to action.
If you didn’t take time to prayerfully consider and write your answers to the questions above, please do so. It will help reveal the areas in which you need to seek God’s guidance and help.
Read and reread Colossians 3:1-17. Read it every day this week, asking God to help you put on compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forgiveness, and love. In every situation that arises, seek to put on these things.
This is your final call to action: even if porn is not an issue in your marriage, listen to this week’s podcast: Porn to Purity: Hope for Change. Before doing so, ask God for a heart that’s open to what He wants to reveal.
No matter the season you are in, there is HOPE FOR CHANGE when you passionately pursue the spouse God gave you.
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